Dude Where's My Duo
by anime animal
Summary: How exactly does one lose Duo Maxwell six hours before his wedding? And what will Hilde say when she finds out? Will poor Quatre ever shake off his headache, and what is with the Amazing Travelling Lump? Last chapter up!
1. Where's Duo?

"I'm not sure I can do this

Disclaimer: Someone had a good idea, which they named Gundam Wing.

They put it onto the TV and that Internet thing.

They make a load of money, and their wallets still do grow,

Please just let me borrow them, especially Heero!

(Don't own them, wish I did. Nor do I own 'Dude Where's my Car?' on which this story is loosely based.)

Dude Where's My Duo?

By Anime Animal.

Chapter 1: Where's Duo?

With a low, headachy groan, Quatre Raberba Winner's blonde head emerged from underneath a coffee table after hitting it on the aforementioned piece of furniture. He noted the surroundings with a large degree of bleary eyed-ness and was satisfied with where he was. What he was not satisfied with was the continuing pounding in his head, the way that his vision was blurred around the edges and the frighteningly large amount of empty beer bottles (alcoholic) that were strewn around the room.

"Oh my God, what happened to us last night?" He groaned.

Another head appeared from behind the couch with the unibangs messed up to almost beyond recognition.

"I don't know, but my ass is killing me." Trowa said sombrely. "Oh wait, I appear to have slept on a bottle."

Quatre breathed a sigh of relief and then groaned again.

"My head is killing me." 

Trowa nodded.

"Not surprising really, that sounded like quite a bump."

"Hunh? Oh yeah." Quatre said sheepishly, brushing the already large mound on his head as he scratched it, puzzled. "Ow…"

It was Trowa's turn to survey the chaos that was Duo's living room. Apart from the empty beer bottles, there were several empty Doritos packets and at least a bowlful of popcorn strewn across the floor, a few apple juice cartons not to mention that, lying bang smack in the middle of it all was Wufei, face down on the floor. He was just beginning to wake up, and had a crisp packet stuck to his head. Like the others, he shook his head groggily before looking at his surroundings in a hazy confusion.

"I'm going to kill him, I swear that baka has gone way too far this time…" He grumbled, peeling the offending piece of trash off his head once he had woken up properly. "Where is the justice in making me sleep on the floor?"

Quatre got up and yawned, stabilising himself by grabbing the couch.

"Why are we here again?"

Heero emerged from the kitchen, holding onto a coffee cup and looking slightly better than the rest of them, on account that he had actually slept relatively comfortably the night before.

"Above the desk, circled in red magic marker." He said, swallowing a large amount of coffee.

Three pairs of eyes turned in the direction Heero had suggested and rested on a calendar with the date circled, as had been already mentioned, in red magic marker. Wufei got up from the floor, straightening the cricks in his back and picking popcorn out of his hair while looking at it.

"Shit, he's getting married in six hours!" He said loudly, making Quatre wince.

"Too loud, too loud, too loud…" He groaned, heading into the kitchen and towards the coffee pot. "Wufei please, have some consideration for the headachy would you?"

"Hung over you mean…" Wufei muttered under his breath.

Trowa had joined him in the kitchen and had taken an egg from the fridge. He cracked it into a glass and added a large amount of Worcestershire sauce.

"What the hell is that?" Heero asked, looking at his coffee in silent praise that it was coffee and not the foul looking concoction in the glass.

"Hangover cure." Trowa stated, downing it in one before turning a decided shade of green. "And it would appear that it works by making the consumer vomit the alcohol out of his system. Excuse me..."

He briskly made his way to the bathroom, leaving the others in surprise.

"That must be a record regarding the articulation of our companion." Wufei said seriously, taking a bottle of flat Coke out from the fridge and swigging. "We must notify Maxwell at once. Is he _still _paralytic?"

"I'll go wake him up." Quatre offered, deciding that coffee really wasn't what he wanted. "Besides, he needs to be sober for his wedding otherwise Hilde will kill him."

Heero smirked and put his now empty coffee cup down on the counter. It was probably more than likely that at this moment in time she'd be in a similar state, along with everyone else in the bridal party.

"Not to mention you two for letting him get drunk in the first place." Wufei commented.

"It appears that you have a selective memory, _you _were the one who was competing against him as to who could handle the most Tequila shots." Heero replied.

"Besides, I don't drink." Quatre added.

Wufei and Heero looked at each other before laughing. Quatre looked innocently at them before shrugging and going out to wake Duo.

"I didn't drink Tequila did I? God, I can't remember a thing!"

"Somehow we always wind up getting completely slaughtered whenever Duo suggests a night out." Heero said. "But I can't remember a thing either."

Trowa returned from the bathroom, looking a slightly more normal colour.

"Better?" Wufei asked sweetly.

Trowa shot him a withering look and headed straight for the coffee pot.

"Duo has to be comatose. Either that or he's choked on his own vomit and died in the night." Heero said dryly. "What's taking Quatre so long?"

On cue, Quatre returned to the kitchen, looking as though he'd seen a ghost.

"Well, where's Sleeping Beauty?" Wufei asked, looking at his watch. "We have only got six hours after all."

Quatre swallowed a very large lump in his throat.

"It appears that, well, what might have happened is… um."

"Go on…" Heero prompted, not liking where this was heading.

"He's not there."

The others looked at one another in shock and stood in a stunned silence.

"What did you say again?" Trowa asked once he had found his tongue.

Quatre shifted the weight on his feet and wrung his hands nervously.

"I think we might have… lost him."

To be continued…

Well, what do you think? I want to carry on but I need an input, this is my first fic so any response would be gratefully received!! ^_^


	2. In situations like this, it's best to st...

Disclaimer: Don't own them

Disclaimer: Don't own them!

A.N. Thank you all so much for your reviews! It was really nice to go so many nice ones on my first attempt; I only hope that this is still relatively funny…

Dude Where's My Duo?

By Anime Animal

Chapter 2: In situations like this, it's best to stay calm (particularly when talking to the chief bridesmaid…)

They all stared at Quatre in absolute in horror.

"How is it humanly possible to lose Duo Maxwell?" Heero asked finally. "C'mon Quatre, you must not have been looking in the right place."

Wufei shook his head.

"No, I think he might be right. It makes sense."

The others looked at him as though he'd grown another head.

"Think about this logically. If Maxwell was here, wouldn't he have woken us up at some obscene and dishonourable hour and acted like a child on a red M&M induced high?"

"He has a point." Trowa agreed. "We must have lost Duo last night…"

"Woah, wait a second. Maybe he's locked himself out or he's in the bathroom?" Quatre said quickly, his voice beginning to show an edge of panic.

"He isn't in the bathroom and we would have heard about it by now if he was locked out." Heero said. "So all we have to do is go back to where we were last night and we'll have him back in time for the wedding."

Admittedly, that was the best plan and the others nodded in agreement.

"So where did we go last night?" Quatre asked, breathing a sigh of relief.

The silence deafened, a breeze blew through the open window with a whistle and in the distance a neighbour's dog howled because it had been left out.

"Heero?" 

Heero shrugged at Quatre's question.

"Wufei?"

"How should I know? I supposedly went head to head with the baka and a bottle of Tequila."

"Trowa?"

Trowa, as usual, said nothing. Quatre suddenly felt an impending sense of doom and nearly choked on the lump that had stubbornly refused to be swallowed.

"None of us remember?" He squeaked weakly.

Heero, during this conversation had headed to the vid-phone and was in the process of dialling.

"Don't you think it's a little early for the police?" Wufei scoffed.

"I'm calling Relena."

"Nooooo!" 

Three ex-Gundam pilots flung themselves onto him in an attempt to get him to drop the phone.

"Are you crazy?!"Quatre yelled.

"You know that she'll tell Maxwell's woman, and then the women will come after us screaming like Harpies!" Wufei bawled, grabbing Heero's neck in a chokehold.

"And then they'll all think we're irresponsible and will never let us out ever again." Trowa said matter-of-factly.

At that moment the phone rang in Heero's hand.

"Gah!" Wufei and Quatre cried simultaneously, jumping a mile.

Heero looked at Trowa, who nodded crestfallenly, and answered the phone.

"Hello, Maxwell residence…" He began warily.

"Wake up call!" An impossibly chirpy voice belonging to an equally chirpy face said at the other end of the line. "You sound like you had a good night last night Heero."

"Morning Relena."

Wufei and Quatre groaned.

"That's it. We're doomed." Quatre sighed.

"Say goodbye to the freedom we fought for boys, we're about to be grounded for life." 

"Shut up!" Heero hissed. "How's things over there?"

On the other end of the line, a mass of giggles erupted from the massed bridal party and Heero could just make out Dorothy's face covered with some kind of green goo and cucumber slices. 

"Oh fine." Relena said brightly. "Hilde's still fast asleep, but that's a good thing. Is Duo up?"

Quatre whimpered in alarm.

"I think I'm gonna be sick!" He cried, running to the bathroom.

Relena had noticed that Heero had gone unusually pale and frowned.

"Heero is everything OK?"

Quatre's lump (to be known as 'the amazing travelling lump' hereafter) had miraculously travelled across the room and risen in Heero's throat.

"Yes." He said shakily.

"So where's Duo?"

"He's right here, fast asleep. In this apartment. With us. In his own bed in his own apartment." Wufei blurted quickly.

Relena raised her eyebrows.

"Is he OK?" She asked suspiciously.

Heero nodded and elbowed Wufei in the stomach.

"He will be, once he has time to reflect over his actions."

Trowa grabbed Wufei's arm.

"Ix ne on the uilt ne." He said through bared teeth.

Heero turned his attention back to the phone.

"Are you sure everything's OK Heero? You seem kind of preoccupied…"

"Everything's fine!" Heero snapped.

"OK, OK. Sheesh, there's no need to be like that. See you later."

As soon as the phone was hung up, massive sighs of relief were dropped.

"Baka!" Heero growled at Wufei. "Just because Duo's missing doesn't mean you have to fill his shoes."

Wufei hung his head apologetically.

"Sorry Heero."

Quatre reappeared from the bathroom, a little shaky.

"Are they gone?"

Heero nodded.

"Yeah. Right, we have to do something about this."

The others nodded solemnly.

"Hang on, didn't Duo mention something about a strip club?" Quatre said.

"That would be Maxwell." Wufei muttered.

Trowa had found Duo's appointment book that he 'should' have kept work details in.

"The only thing in here is 'Big and Blonde @ 9'00'" He said solemnly.

"Again, that would be Maxwell."

Heero had already got his coat and car keys and was heading to the door.

"OK. Quatre, you stay here and sober up…"

"But I _don't _drink…"

"He means stay here in case Duo shows up." Trowa said.

"We'll go check out this strip club." Heero finished. "And if the girls ring do not tell them what has happened."

"You're asking me to lie to the girls? But Dorothy might still have her sword..."

"That's a risk we'll have to take." Trowa said grimly. 

They headed out the door.

"If I'm not here when you get back, Hilde and Dorothy have probably exacted a horrible revenge on me." Quatre said shakily. "Ow, my poor head."

"They were hiding something." Sally said, sipping champagne over her cornflakes.

Relena, Catherine and Dorothy (devoid of cucumber, although some of the goo was still clinging to her eyebrows…) nodded.

"I mean, Wufei's never ever acted like that."

"And Quatre looked positively hung over." Dorothy said smoothly, filing her nails. "But he doesn't drink so he must have been feeling ill."

Catherine chewed her toast thoughtfully.

"Did you notice how they all paled when Relena mentioned Duo?"

Everyone paused and stared at one another.

"They've lost Duo!" Relena said, choking on a piece of grapefruit. "Oh sweet mother of God!"

To be continued…

He he he, aren't I mean? Well, what's going to happen next? 


	3. Big and Blonde: Weird and Wasted

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine, no matter how hard I pray to all the Gods of every religion it's just not going to happen

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine, no matter how hard I pray to all the Gods of every religion it's just not going to happen. Neither is the word 'Shibby', which I have immortalised as a saying used between my best friend an I.

A.N. I hope this is still funny, and I hope no-one minds Quatre getting a teensy bit picked on, it's just that Duo's not there (yet, but he will be!). The role's will reverse soon, I promise! *cough* cough* Wufei* cough*

Dude Where's My Duo?

By Anime Animal

Chapter 3: Big and Blonde: Weird and Wasted.

"OK, so what are _we _going to do about this situation?" Sally said, putting down her champagne glass.

"_We _are not going to do anything." Catherine said strictly. "If they have lost Duo…"

"How do you lose Duo? It's not possible!" Relena said with a giggle.

"If they have lost Duo then it's their job to get him back."

Sally and Dorothy nodded before a wicked grin crept to Catherine's lips.

"In the meantime however, we will see who've they've left in the apartment and totally freak them out."

Dorothy laughed and reached for the champagne bottle.

"We won't make a move until 11.30. If he's not back by then, we will be forced to act. If he's not back in time for the wedding, then we'll…"

"Woah, wait a second. Supposing he's not _actually _lost?" Sally said. "Like Relena said, it's not possible to lose Duo."

"That's why I'm ringing the apartment." Catherine said, dialling.

The vid-phone rang louder than Quatre thought was physically possible. Depositing his breakfast on the table, he rushed to answer.

"Have you found him? Please tell me that he was asleep on the doorstep!"

His eyes then focused on who exactly was on the other end as he spotted four very puzzled looking women.

"Quatre, is there something you're not telling us?" Dorothy asked sweetly.

"No." Quatre squeaked guiltily, thus marking the return of the Amazing Travelling Lump.

"Can we talk to Duo, we need to ask him for the florist's number…" Relena said craftily.

"Umm, he's not here at the moment…" Quatre's voice was getting shakier by the minute, and the Amazing Travelling Lump had grown to the size of a ping pong ball.

"Oh?" Sally asked, arcing her eyebrows. "So where is he then?"

"He and the others went to get some… to get some… er…"

What would the others say at a time like this? Where would Duo go at 9'o clock in the morning? Then it hit him like a wave of brilliance.

"Condoms! He went to get some condoms, for tonight!" 

Quatre, as unaccustomed to lying as he was, was rather proud of that one. (A.N. Trust me, I've come up with better…) The girl's faces changed swiftly to shocked expressions until Relena grinned.

"Why would he do that? Hilde's on the Pill."

Quatre's face fell a mile.

"Um, he forgot?"

Then a second wave of brilliance hit him.

"They're not for him." He blurted quickly.

"Hunh?" 

For the girl's this was getting better and better.

"Who are they for?" Catherine asked.

Who is least likely to kill me for this? Quatre asked himself. Eeny meeny miney mo…

"Wufei."

Oops.

Sally grinned.

"So he's finally getting his act together then? I was wondering…"

Insert size 8 foot into size 7 mouth, Winner. The guys have got to be having an easier time than me…Wufei is going to kill me…Ow, my head hurts…

Heero, Trowa and Wufei stood outside a garishly painted building and swallowed the Amazing Travelling Lump, which had miraculously divided into four parts and arrived in their throats.

"We went…" Heero began.

"…In there?" Wufei finished.

A neon sign glowing bright pink depicted an indecently clad girl bouncing up and down over the words 'Big and Blonde', leaving the passer-by little to the imagination as to what sort of establishment it was.

"Well, we're going to have to go in." Heero resolved.

"What kind of strip club is open at nine in the morning?" Trowa asked.

Wufei and Heero shrugged as Trowa went to the door.

"We're going in?" Wufei asked. "Shibby!"

Heero and Trowa gave him weird looks.

"I mean dishonour! Injustice!"

"Shut up Chang and get in the damn club." Heero snapped.

Wufei hung his head

"Sorry Heero."

Once inside, they discovered themselves to be in a smoky room with only a lowly janitor mopping the floor and a well dressed, albeit slightly tarty, woman smoking a cigarette. She looked up as the guys entered and a broad grin spread across her scarlet painted lips.

"Ahh, it's three of my favourite boys. So where's your cute friend this morning?"

After getting over the initial shock of this woman's familiarity with them, Heero spoke.

"Well actually, we've lost him."

Wufei nudged Trowa in the side.

"At least we know that we were here last night."

Trowa nodded.

"Yes, but how many?"

The woman frowned.

"Little blondie? But he was having such a good time dancing with the girls, a lot of our slightly more er herm, interesting clientele were asking about him. Is there any chance he might do an encore?"

Heero's jaw dropped. Trowa's jaw dropped. Wufei's jaw dropped as he began to cry with laughter.

"Um no, I don't think so." Trowa said quickly. "Can you tell us exactly how many of us were there?"

The tart in war paint smiled.

"Well there were you three, blondie and Duo. Gosh, it's hard to believe he's getting married today…"

"So Duo was with us?" Heero interrupted.

"Yeah sure he was. Duo's not the kinda guy you forget in a hurry."

"Did he leave with us?" Trowa asked. 

"Yeah, course he did. It was his idea after all. Did you get it done sweetie?" She asked Wufei.

Wufei's eyes widened in shock.

"Get what done?" He asked nervously.

This time, she looked confused.

"Golly, I knew you were wasted when you came in but I'm sure that you would have remembered…"

It was at that moment that Heero and Trowa noticed a black mark showing out from the top of Wufei's blue vest.

"Take your shirt off Wufei." Heero ordered.

"Are you insane Yuy?! I know this is a strip club but…"

"Just quit moaning and take off your shirt." Trowa added.

Reluctantly, Wufei took off his vest and frowned, folding his arms and pouting.

"Are you happy now? I'm giving all those strippers in the back a cheap thrill just to…"

"Oh my God!" Trowa said in a surprisingly loud voice for him.

"Well, that would be correct." Heero said with a smirk.

"What?" Wufei snapped.

Trowa choked back his laughter.

"Wufei, how long have you had your tattoo done?"

Wufei's jaw fell to the floor and he made a peculiar spluttering noise.

"Tattoo? I don't have a tattoo. What tattoo?"

"The tattoo that says 'I love Nataku' on your back." Trowa said coolly.

"Gah!" Wufei yelled, running to the men's room to have a look.

The war paint woman smiled.

"So he did then. Excuse me guys, but I have work to do." 

She walked off to her office.

"Oh wait, I have something for you."

She took a Polaroid picture from her handbag.

"Give this to blondie if you find him."

The picture had a half-naked Quatre standing centre stage dancing suggestively with a feather bower while a blonde girl in a tiny feathery bikini stared on aghast.

Heero and Trowa looked at each other and collapsed into a fit of laughter.

"Are you up for a little blackmail?" Heero grinned evilly, waving the photo back and forth in the air.

"No, I'm not that cruel. Besides, the poor guy thinks he has a headache. Let him think that. But I will use this in my best man's speech if and when he gets married."

Once Wufei had returned from the bathroom after trying to wash his tattoo off with soap and water with little success, they congregated around the entrance.

"Right, the only tattoo parlour in town is 'Tony's Tats' around the corner." Heero said knowledgeably. "That's where we're going now."

At that moment, Wufei's cell phone rang. They froze.

"It could be that damn onna!" Wufei hissed.

"Why are you hissing? They can't hear until you answer the damn thing." Trowa growled. "It might be Duo…"

Wufei shrugged and answered the phone.

"Hello?" He said warily.

"Thank God it's you Wufei!" A very relieved Quatre said. "I've just been on the phone to the girls for the last hour and I thought you might have…"

"Get to the point." Wufei prompted.

Quatre sighed.

"Have you found him?"

"No, but we're hot on our trail from last night."

"Shibby."

Heero and Trowa looked at each other, having heard the last word.

"Have you any idea what that means?" Trowa asked.

"Not the slightest."

"Wufei?"

"What Winner?"

"You might want to stop by the chemists on your way back…"

To be continued…

Phew, done. I hope you realise that I'm putting myself into the firing line of my teachers to do this story for you! If there are no more chapters, it's because my Maths teacher has shot me. Please avenge my death.


	4. Tick Tock, Tick Tock

Disclaimer: No, I don't own them

Disclaimer: No, I don't own them. That honour goes to Sunrise and Bandai. But, if any of their representatives were wondering what to buy me for Christmas, a certain suicidal Japanese Gundam pilot would be acceptable. Tied up in a big red ribbon. Holding a large box of Maltesers. Thank you.

A.N. As you have probably gathered, my Math's teacher didn't shoot me.

Dude Where's My Duo?

By anime animal.

Chapter 4: Tick Tock, Tick Tock. 

"I think we can safely assess the situation now." Dorothy said once the phone was put down. "Duo has been lost."

"Please keep it down!" Catherine hissed. "Honestly, do you really want to wake Hilde up on the happiest day of her life, four hours before she is supposed to get married to the guy of her dreams, with news liked that?"

There was a long silence, during which the girls thought out their plan of action.

"I say we ring my brother." Relena said finally.

"Are you mad?!" Sally cried.

"Shh!" Everyone said.

Sally grinned sheepishly and frowned.

"Sorry. Are you mad? What good will that do?"

"He's very good at finding stuff." Relena said in a manner that a small child does when defending her opinions against the school bully.

"I'm sure he is, but do you have the integrity to wake him up at half past nine in the morning on a Saturday?"

The others looked at her strangely.

"Sally, you have been spending way too much time with Wufei. Hell, you're beginning to sound like him." Relena laughed.

Sally grinned.

"I guess I must be."

Dorothy frowned.

"You say that like it's a good thing." She muttered.

Sally's eyes darkened in anger and she stood up with a glare on her face, clenching her fists.

"You got a problem with my partner Psycho Bitch? Just you say that to my face…"

"Guys please!" Catherine said soothingly. "C'mon, who really wants to walk down the aisle with scratches across their face?"

Sally and Dorothy hung their heads.

"I didn't think so. OK, now can we concentrate on the problem at hand?"

"Which is?" Dorothy asked, still glaring at Sally.

"How exactly are we going to hide the fact that Duo is missing from Hilde?"

Heero and Trowa were walking surprisingly quickly for ten o'clock on a Saturday morning, particularly after a boozy Friday night. But, if one of your companions happens to be moaning about a certain addition to his skin that he had no idea that he actually possessed, then you'd be walking quickly too. Particularly when they'd begun to lose count of how many times the words 'Injustice', 'Dishonour' and 'I swear that baka is a dead man' could be used in one verbal onslaught.

"You'd have thought that the novelty would have worn a little thin after the third 'baka'," Heero said dryly. "I wish I'd never taught him that word."

Trowa nodded and then pointed to the end of the street.

"There it is, Tony's Tats."

Wufei paused from his round of 'Maxwell is a dead man' and growled.

"I think I'm going to sue…"

"Shut up Wufei."

Wufei hung his head.

"Sorry Heero."

(A.N. Tee hee, I'm rather enjoying Heero telling him off all the time!)

Tony, it appeared, was a rather obese man who clearly practiced his trade on his own anatomy, as there wasn't a square inch of flesh on him that wasn't covered in body art. On their arrival, he looked up and grinned broadly, revealing a gold tooth.

"Ah, so you want them done too?" He said to Trowa and Heero before turning his attention to Wufei. "And how's yours feeling this morning?"

Wufei set his lips in a thin line and folded his arms across his chest.

"How much for laser removal?" He muttered.

Tony laughed out loud and smacked his expansive hands on his quadriceps.

"Aw ya killin' me! You were so adamant for that one too. Those two were trying to persuade you to have some broad's name on your back but no, you had to have that weird word on ya back. I hope I spelt it right…"

Heero held a teeth-gnashing Wufei back at the comment about Nataku being a weird word.

"We're here because we appear to have lost one of our party." Trowa began. "How many tattoos did you do for us last night?"

Tony grinned again.

"Well, apart from that weird word on your friend's back over there…"

Before Wufei could act, Heero had purposefully slapped him on the exact spot where his tattoo was, causing him to flinch momentarily and tears to come to his eyes.

"There was one of you that wanted a peace sign on his shoulder…"

Heero and Trowa simultaneously looked at their shoulders and breathed sighs of relief. Yet another thing for poor Quatre to regret this morning… (It might be useful to mention that at this moment, Quatre leant up against a doorframe and recoiled as though a bee had stung him.)

"And then there was that other guy who wanted 'Shinigami' on his, * cough * posterior."

Wufei, Heero and Trowa looked at each other for two reasons. 1- Duo had been with them at the tattoo parlour and 2- He'd be feeling very uncomfortable right about now.

"Yeah, and you wanted some random phrase on your back," Tony said, looking at Heero, "but I didn't know how to spell 'Oh my yay oh koro sue' or whatever it was you said so you left it."

(A.N. Omae o korosu, but as I only know Japanese from spelling and not hearing I'm not sure whether this is the right way to pronounce it.)

Heero's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline and he mumbled a very quick thanks before the three of them retreated outside.

"Thank God you and I had the sense not to be so stupid as to get tattoos." Trowa said.

"Well you weren't, but Heero was ready to." Wufei grinned smugly, sounding like a cat that had got the cream.

Heero's eyes narrowed.

"Shut up Wufei."

"Sorry Heero." 

Again, as he was beginning to get accustomed to, Wufei hung his head and shoved his hands into his pockets. He frowned and produced a stub of a movie ticket.

"I think I've got something that might help in our search for the Braided Baka." 

Trowa took the stub and looked at it.

"The 03.25 showing of… Dude Where's My Car? We saw that?"

"Must have done." Wufei said. "I can guess where our next port of call is."

Heero stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"I dunno, this is beginning to sound like a pretty big clichéd coincidence to me…"

"Well we better go and check out the movie theatre if we were all there." Trowa said thoughtfully. "What's the time now?"

Heero looked at his watch.

"10.10."

"Gah!" Wufei yelled. "We've only got four hours and fifty minutes to find him!"

"Then we had better keep looking hadn't we?" Heero said sarcastically.

Trowa shook his head. The harder they searched, the more fruitless the search for Duo was becoming. One thing was for sure: If Wufei and Heero didn't issue serious pain on him for putting them through such Hell then his newly acquired tattoo surely would.

To be continued…

_There's another chapter all nicely done and dusted. I'm thinking maybe another two, maybe three chapters before I wrap it up. What do you all think?_


	5. Dead man walking...

Disclaimer: My mate brought a lottery ticket today, and if she wins she says she's going to buy them all for me

Disclaimer: My mate brought a lottery ticket today, and if she wins she says she's going to buy them all for me. Until then, I still have no possession over their existences.

A.N. I can't get over how nice you're all being about my story! Thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou! By the way, thankyou to mama-sama who has been really lovely and encouraging with the reviews! Cheers!

Dude Where's My Duo?

By anime animal

Chapter 5: Dead man walking…

By the time our slightly hung over heroes arrived at the Multiplex on the edge of town, it was already 11 o'clock. A slight shower from the colony's artificial weather system had started and they were all well and truly soaked.

"My feet hurt. I'm hungry. My back hurts. I'm thirsty…" Wufei complained, kicking his heels like a whiny schoolchild as they carried on walking.

With all his complaining, both Heero and the normally cool, collected Trowa were beginning to come to the end of their rag. All they needed to tip them over the edge would be another 'I swear that Maxwell is a dead man' and it would be Wufei who would be dead and not Duo.

"You guys go and find out about the movie, I'll ring Quatre and see how things are at his end." Trowa suggested, spying a phone booth. 

Wufei's cell phone had died on them a few blocks back and for a while, the inanimate piece of technology was receiving the full force of Wufei's already pent up aggression, aggression which had been pent up to beyond all healthy levels. Heero nodded and dragged Wufei, now complaining about his shoes that were getting wet, into the Multiplex. 

"You ask at the desk, I'm going to get something to eat." Heero said dully.

"Do I have to?" Wufei groaned. "I couldn't care less whether or not that baka was drowned in a ditch…"

Heero had had enough and grabbed hold of Wufei's collar.

"Tough. I've done all the talking today while you've just stood around complaining. I'm tired, I have no idea how much sleep I actually got last night, I'm hungry, I'm wet and if we don't find Duo soon I am contemplating breaking the nearest thing to me and I haven't decided yet whether or not it's going to be your neck. Now get over to that reception desk, make some enquiries and let me get a packet of chips and a bottle of cola, alright?"

This onslaught brought about the long awaited return of the Amazing Travelling Lump, straight into Wufei's throat, who gulped like a nervous fish staring straight into the eyes of a large and hungry shark. He nodded weakly and went to the box-office.

Meanwhile, a very grateful Quatre answered the phone to Trowa.

"Thank God, I thought it was them again."

He shuddered violently at the concept of having another hour long conversation with the girls.

"Is it too much to ask if you've found him yet?" He asked meekly.

Trowa nodded.

"Yes. How's your head?"

"Pounding. Duo is a really lousy housekeeper, you should see all the beer bottles round here… Ow."

"Is it your head?" Trowa asked kindly.

Quatre shook his head.

"No, I think I might have burnt my shoulder on a radiator or something cause I have this really weird black mark…"

Trowa could barely contain his laughter and made a muffled 'mmph' sound, to which Quatre responded with a strange puzzled look before going on to ask a question.

"Have you had any luck piecing together what exactly happened last night?"

"It certainly seems to be very interesting, that's for sure." Trowa said wistfully with the tiniest suggestion of a smirk rising to his lips. "So far, it involves a strip club…"

The Amazing Travelling Lump had made its return to its origin.

"… A tattoo parlour…"

"A what?!" Quatre asked, his recently regained colour draining from his cheeks.

"And a Multiplex cinema. For what we can piece together so far, Duo's been with us every step of the way."

Quatre sighed. 

"So you still have no idea where he is?"

"In a word, no."

"Thankyou, your help has been invaluable." Wufei said politely, making his way back to the foyer where Trowa and Heero were drinking coffee from polystyrene cups.

"Well, it appears that we were here last night, the records say that the only people who caught that showing were five adults. Incidentally, the tickets were charged to my credit card so I'd appreciate having the money restored to me as soon as possible." He said smugly.

Heero rolled his eyes and handed Wufei a third polystyrene cup.

"If my memory serves me correctly, the evening started with us arriving at Duo's at about six, and we watched some movie while we had pizza and beers before heading out to the club at nine." Heero said logically. "Somehow, between 1800 and 2100 hours, our senses became contaminated with alcohol and…"

"At ease Soldier Boy!" Trowa said, earning him a patented Yuy Death Glare ™. "Sorry, it's just that I know Duo would say that."

"So, over six hours later we came here." Wufei picked up on Heero's story. "And according to the delinquent at the desk who remembers us as 'those loud guys yelling things like 'I will have justice', 'mission accepted', 'I am the Great Destroyer' and 'the eyebrows are gonna get you Trowa, can't you see that?' we were making loud comments about going home. Five of us."

Trowa nodded.

"So that means that we must have lost Duo on the way back. I guess that means we'll have to check the streets."

Heero sighed and crumpled his polystyrene cup.

"Back to the streets, the rain and hopefully Duo."

Quatre shrieked in horror at the sight of his 'burn' on his back.

"Oh my God, it's a tattoo! My sisters are going to kill me!"

The door to the apartment slammed shut and three pairs of boots trudged in. Quatre sprang up from his seat and turned to see three soaking ex-Gundam pilots standing in a tired and bedraggled group. The tiny light of hope extinguished immediately, and the Amazing Travelling Lump that had been bothering him all day lodged itself firmly in his oesophagus.

"So we're going to tell Hilde that we've lost him?" He said glumly.

The others nodded.

"I can't believe it! We searched every stinking street, every sidewalk, every doorway in this entire town and there was no sign of him!" Wufei cried. "The baka's probably dead now, and its all his fault."

"Shut up Wufei." Heero and Trowa grumbled, too tired to do anymore.

"We just came back to get an umbrella and then we're going on to the girls' hotel to tell Hilde." Heero said glumly.

"I'll come too, I have some explaining to do." Quatre said apologetically.

Wufei looked up from his ruined shoes and glared at him.

"Too right you do. What's the deal with the condoms?"

Now on their third glass of champagne, the girls were forgetting all about the dilemma that the boys were in. That is, until there was a knock on the door and the four of them were standing in the doorway, looking tired, hung over and very ashamed. At once, the girls snapped to a sober attention and invited them in.

"Is Hilde awake yet?" Quatre began. "We have a terrible confession to make."

Catherine, Sally and Relena looked at them sympathetically while Dorothy scampered up to the door of Hilde's room. (A.N. They had a penthouse with separate rooms, their own kitchenette etc, it was a pretty upmarket hotel!) From the other side of the door, it sounded like there was a scuffle and then a high-pitched giggle before Hilde eventually came to the door with her hair a mess.

"Yeah?" She asked sleepily, and then noticed the guys sitting on the couch. "What are you doing here?"

They looked at each other guiltily, and each one had yet another visit from that Amazing Travelling Lump (autographs available on request). Heero, as best man, began first.

"The first thing is Hilde that we're all really, really, REALLY sorry." He began, getting nods of agreement from his friends. "And whatever happens we're here to help you out."

More nods. Hilde's sleepy features crumpled into a frown.

"OK guys you're scaring me now. What's happened?"

Quatre got up and gave her a hug, an act repeated by Relena who held onto her protectively. Heero cleared his throat, determined to get rid of the Amazing Travelling Lump once and for all.

"Hilde, we've lost Duo."

All eyes were on Hilde for what seemed like an eternity until at last she began to laugh. Quatre felt a wave of sympathy swell up inside him. The poor girl's hysterical, he thought, this is awful. His thoughts were much the same as everybody else's.

"You've… ha ha…lost… Duo?! HA HA HA HA!"

"Hilde…" Relena began, feeling like she was about to cry.

"Oh man, you guys crack me up! You couldn't lose Shinigami even if you tried!"

It was at that moment that eight bewildered pairs of eyes zoomed into the doorway that Hilde had just emerged from where, standing leant against the wall, clad only in a pair of boxer shorts was the one and only…

Duo Maxwell.

Ha ha! Plot twist! Who can guess what's coming next? (Just be thankful that Heero hasn't got his gun and Sally nicked Wufei's katana for the honour of cutting the wedding cake…)


	6. ... Up the aisle

Disclaimer: My friend didn't win the lottery, so I still don't own them… yet

Disclaimer: My friend didn't win the lottery, so I still don't own them… yet.

A.N. My throat is slowly killing me, my head is pounding and my eyelids are refusing to stay open. Must… finish… story…

Dude Where's My Duo?

By anime animal.

Chapter 6: …Up the aisle.

By this stage, Heero had lapsed into a semi conscious state of absolute calm. He just stood there by the couch looking at Duo while Trowa and Quatre were trying desperately to restrain Wufei, whose face had gone scarlet and was spluttering with rage.

"You are a dead man!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.

The girls looked at each other nervously while Hilde collapsed into a giggling fit. Duo yawned and scratched between his shoulder blades, looking incredibly innocent.

"Did you guys sleep OK?" He inquired, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

Wufei made another lunge and Sally was forced to step forward and assist in the act of preventing the premature death of a certain bridegroom. Hilde was now crying in hysteria cuddled up against Duo. 

"They thought that they'd lost you!" She squealed, gasping for breath and then pausing as she got the hiccups. 

As well as the extremely violent attitude being aimed at Duo from Wufei and the surprisingly serene mood that Heero appeared to be in, the girls were giving Hilde icy looks too. Eventually Quatre, having inadvertently brought Wufei whimpering in agony due to a misplaced push on his tender back, looked at Duo with a certain amount of confusion in his eyes.

"How long has he been here for?" He asked Dorothy.

Before she could answer, Duo butted in with an impossibly cheerful grin for one who looked as though he was about to be brutally murdered by a very angry Chinese man and chuckled.

"Hey, what's a guy supposed to do on the best night of his life? Spend the last of it with his favourite gal, right Hilde Babe?"

Hilde nodded and smiled.

"Yeah, and I wasn't going to let him sleep in a gutter."

"Hunh?" The girls all asked, for once looking more confused than the guys.

Duo and Hilde looked at one another and laughed.

"I'm not sure exactly how it happened," Hilde began, "but I ended up going back to the apartment last night after we went to our strip club…"

"WHAT?!" The girls said in one collective burst of loudness, causing the still headachy Quatre to wince. 

"We went to a strip club." Hilde continued. "And hey, it was great. There were firemen, there were…"

She stopped as she noticed that all her friends, her fiancée's friends and her fiancée were all looking at her strangely.

"OK, so after that we came back here and it was about four…"

"We spent seven hours at a strip club?" Relena asked, scratching her head.

Heero looked up from his trance and said nothing, not taking his eyes off Duo for one second.

"No." Hilde said knowledgably. "We were only there for five hours. We did dinner before remember?"

"No." The others said.

Wufei and Trowa looked at each other with a smirk. It was only natural that Hilde should have gotten her friends legless too.

"So anyway, we came back at about four and as we did, we bumped into the guys…"

"You did?" Wufei asked.

Heero still said nothing.

"Well Duo looked a little sick, so I thought it would be a good thing if he came back with me, so I could take care of him." Hilde said, playing with the end of Duo's braid and tickling his bare chest with it.

Duo was grinning smugly.

"And lemme tell you guys, when Hilde takes care of something she…"

He stopped as he noticed that Heero's expression of totally calm had dissolved into a darkened expression of anger.

"So let me get this straight." Heero began. "We have spent the last three and a half hours searching for you in the small hours of the morning, in the rain, going into every unsavoury location that this town has to offer in search of you and all this time, while we've been sleeping on your trash covered floor and looking for you, you've been living it up in the lap of luxury, doing God knows what with and to your girlfriend."

Duo nodded and grinned.

"Yeah, you could say that."

Heero closed his eyes and took a few deep, composing breaths.

"Did you enjoy last night Duo?" He asked, his voice dangerously soft.

Duo, totally oblivious to the signs that Heero was about to erupt nodded and grinned an even bigger grin.

"Yeah, last night was a blast!" He said cheerfully.

"That's good." Wufei said in a sarcastic voice. "Because it's the last one you'll ever have!"

He got free from Trowa and lunged towards Duo, only to be grabbed by the collar from behind.

"You are not going to kill Duo, Wufei." Heero said sternly.

Duo breathed a huge sigh of relief.

"Thanks buddy, I knew I could count on my best man…"

"And because I'm the best man," Heero continued "I am the one who gets to do the honours and pummel his face into oblivion."

"Hilde, what did you think you were playing at?!" Sally yelled once Duo had been dragged indignantly by the braid out of the hotel and back home by Heero. "What happened to not seeing the groom until the wedding?"

Hilde giggled and blushed, running her hand through her dishevelled hair.

"Well, he looked kinda cute out there last night, and he looked even cuter this morning…"

Her protests were getting her nowhere as her friends stared at her angrily.

"C'mon girls, don't tell me you believe that old wife's tale." She said sceptically. 

"The guys did lose Duo…" Catherine began.

Hilde laughed and shook her head.

"It's a good thing I don't then. I'm going to have a shower."

She headed in the direction of the bathroom with a grin on her face. As soon as she was out of earshot, Relena looked at the others with a look of cold panic.

"Now don't fuss about this, but I think I've left the dress at the apartment."

"You've what?!" Catherine, Sally and Dorothy exclaimed loudly.

Relena groaned as the door opened from the bathroom.

"What's going on?" Hilde enquired. "Relena's done what?"

Dorothy thought quickly and sprung into action.

"Why, Miss Relena has resolved to sleep with Heero, what did you think?"

Relena blushed bright crimson. How did Dorothy know her deepest, darkest, most desired secret was to do that with him? 

Hilde's eyebrows arched and she giggled.

"I'll throw the bouquet to you then Lena. Now I really have to go shower…"

Once she was out of the room again, all the held breaths were released.

"Nice save Dot." Relena said, hiding her embarrassment.

"What do you mean 'you've left the dress at the apartment'?" Sally hissed.

"It's no biggy, I'll go and get it." Relena said simply. "Besides, it'll give me a chance to see whether or not Duo's still alive…"

"Ow! Hey, quit touching that braid Wu-Man!" Duo yelled indignantly as Wufei tugged him down onto the couch harshly. "Geez, that is so killing my ass!"

Heero, Trowa and Quatre all looked at him angrily.

"Do you realise how much trouble you've caused?" Quatre began, trying to sound like a stern parent and succeeding. "Everyone has been so worried about you?"

Duo looked up innocently.

"I'm a big boy mom, I can take care of myself!" He joked.

"Look at my shoes!" Wufei cried, dangling them in front of him. 

"I'd rather not…"

"They're ruined! And I'm scarred for life!"

Duo frowned.

"Hey, I asked if everyone was OK about the strip club…"

"Not the club you baka, my back!" Wufei yelled, lifting his shirt and showing Duo the tattoo. 

Duo smirked.

"I was wondering who else got one…"

"Pipe down." Trowa scolded. "Do you realise that you could have made Quatre seriously ill? The guy's never had a drink in his entire life…"

"That's right," Quatre beamed "I've never drunk in my life and I…"

"Quatre, last night you were plastered. And that headache this morning, that's what's known as a hangover." Heero said monotonically.

Quatre paled.

"I drank?" 

They all nodded, including Duo (who found it rather difficult as Wufei was now sitting on his braid).

"I think I'm gonna be sick…"

"You've been sick so many times this morning I think it's safe to assume that all the alcohol in your system has been vomited up already." Wufei muttered.

Duo began to laugh, only to have Quatre turn on him.

"This is all your fault! How could you defile me in such a manner? Oh my God! Wufei, where's your dou? Duo's getting a haircut…"

There was a knock on the door and the mutiny was silenced as Heero went to answer it.

"Relena, what are you doing here?"

Relena, noticing the sour look on Quatre's face, realised that she'd got there just in time.

"Um, I think I've left Hilde's dress here…"

"Ooh, lemme have a look!" Duo piped up.

"Silence baka! There is no honour in seeing the dress before the wedding."

"Hey, what is your obsession with tweaking my braid? Cut it out!"

Relena smiled and then looked at Heero.

"Can I go get it?"

Heero shrugged and nodded.

"Sure."

The others were watching him avidly, much to his frustration.

"What?" He demanded.

Duo grinned.

"You could cut the sexual tension in the air with a knife!" He laughed.

Heero issued a death glare and it was Duo's turn to experience the discomfort that was the Amazing Travelling Lump.

"Uh, Heero buddy…"

"Trowa, get me some scissors."

Three hours later, Mr and Mrs Maxwell posed for their wedding photos with their friends. Nobody knew that the groom had had a close encounter with a pair of scissors being wielded by a furious Heero, nor did they know that he had spent half an hour throwing up a 'special drink' concocted by Trowa that consisted of an egg and Worcestershire sauce. Also not noticed was the fact that Sally Po, with an innocent smile on her face and an arm behind Wufei's back, had her hand hovering precariously near the location of a recently purchased tattoo as a threat to have him on his best behaviour. Heero, having avoided actual physical violence due to a surprisingly effective chokehold inflicted by the former Queen of the World, was smiling politely at the cameras on Duo's right hand side. Duo was looking surprisingly nervous due to the fact that Heero's threat of revenge had not yet been fulfilled. The service had gone uneventfully, as the Man Upstairs decided that the events before the marriage had been eventful enough. 

Once at the reception, and after Heero's speech (brief), and Trowa's toast to the bridesmaids (briefer still), Duo stood up with a bottle of champagne raised high in the air.

"I now declare that until me and my wife…"

Hilde blushed, liking how that sounded.

"… leave for our honeymoon, that everyone here will take part in a good old fashioned game of 'I've Never'…"

Quatre nudged Heero in his side.

"Heero, do you have your gun?"

The End

Thankyou all so much for your reviews and patience with the story. I'm happy that so many people like it! I may or may not do a sequel, perhaps a 'Dude Where's My Baby?' but that all depends on whether or not the Muse comes to me (or if I get enough requests ^_^) 

Cheers everyone!

Luv the anime animal xxx 


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